I’m still writing my thoughts and pressing the little keys on the keyboard to conjure sets of words to tell you how I really feel.
How am I really? I’m pretty sad. Am I in love? I was.
But even so… I will keep rolling through endless possibilities.
Depression lurks in my shadows. So I stayed up putting together a puzzle. I thought about all the plans we made and decided it was all secondary. If you loved me so, I wouldn’t have to be the only one fighting to keep you in my life.
I think about the newest love affair- and I think about how quickly I had felt annoyed. I can feel his face in my hand and I take a moment to adore the person who was so wrapped up in a light caress. Dare I let myself fall in love with another boy? Who is probably way in over his head.
I don’t mind. The company, the cuddles, the mindless sex… It’s all part of the inner equilibrium that keeps me sane.
I think about you again… and there is a faded memory of sitting on a cold bench and only shivering because I was beside you. What did we talk about? Such lovely things always dissolve in my mind.
I wont forgive myself for showing you what love making felt like. Because for years, I know you will hunger for new women and new tastes. And once you lose the satisfaction, you will be empty and I wont be there waiting to fill you again.